The gift of patience is not something I have. There have been times in my life when I’ve prayed for it, worked for it, prayed for it again, but seriously when I see a goal line, I just want to skip the hard race and get to the checkered flag. I hate waiting.

Add into that lack of my patience, someone I love and their decades of addiction. I won’t lie lately I can’t handle it. I don’t understand it. I’ve never lived that lifestyle and I feel at a complete loss waiting for that life to change. So many days I just sit helplessly waiting for that change to come, and for this season of life to pass. I hate waiting.

I know my strengths and in this moment I am completely weak. When someone you love is an addict, the thought of them healing can consume you. You want to help, you do help,. You give your time, your money, your family, your belongings, your energy, your will power, and yet nothing changes. You exhaust yourself and you witness others you love doing to the same, still nothing changes. I hate waiting.

Lately I see how selfish I am in wanting my family member to heal. I thought for years it was the best thing for them, to “get better”. But truthfully it’s about what I want. I want a healthy relationship with that person, I want them back at our family gatherings, I want to share memories and stories and laughter and good times. I even want to share bad times, I just want the addiction to stop. Lord give me strength, I want the addiction to stop. I hate waiting.